i want to give up; give up all the worries to God. So I made a contract with him; he will handle them for the next 5 years.
Now that my worries are outsourced, I am a great mamma and a greater friend with Jhilmil.
She is a bright little thing, as Ashima predicted, she will become a great writer one day.

At 2 1/2 years old, I am tickling with joy about such predictions over Jhilmil. Am I not being a typical over ambitious mamma? Of course I am, but what's wrong in being typical?

:-) nothing. Sometimes, it is so enjoyable a time to be so typical!

will always wonder

i will always wonder what love is.
i am sure as yet i haven't figured out what love is all about.
does it just remain a mystery if you are too dumb to understand this is what love is all about...
well, i will always wonder if i can be so dumb in emotional intelligence.

so much effort

sometimes i wonder why i put in so much effort to make friends, and then all of a sudden realise that the so-called friends don't trust me at all.
It hurts like hell; why don't i learn not to put emotinal effort in any more relationships, why do i just not stick to books?

Must do just so!

bad weeks

I don't realise how much some people care about me, and how much me makes a difference to them.
I have taken it for granted that i am a lonely, uncherished, unappreciated, regular, middle-class hardworking person; i have always thought and still think andbelieve that how can anyone have anything to like or cherish about me, i mean i am so ordinary looking, somewhat careless about how i look, never even consider myself other than a person, for example, some of my freinds and lady colleagues make it a point to behave differently, behave as 'women' , doesn't all this stuff suit only 'other women' not me, i cannot imagine using pretext & pretence to be having power over someone, and having someone love and cherish you seems so impossible to me. Doesn't all that fairy tale love come only to the tall, slim, young, beauties with blue eyes and blonde hair?

Am I so hopelessly unimaginative and so hopelessly been looking for and never found someone to care for, that i have almost become blind to the obvious?
i remember a thought i read somewhere some time, if it hurts to hurt someone, u do care about them.

something is so wrong with me, in essence, am i a woman? i am just so 'de-woman' sometime, so much neutralised of being a woman, and so neutral, always seeing men as persons, never as men, that i think that precisely for that reason, i never got even the average, 'normal' kind of love and attention and nothing but emptiness in my heart, mind and soul from being married to mehul.

That's why maybe, I never held power over mehul. But are we suppose to hold a deliberate power over someone by pretending to be someone/something else? I have been so raised like an individual, harldy as a daughter, that is perhaps the reason, what else?

I wish Jan was here, or Karen was here, i needed themright now. i realise i miss them so much for making me see things, for making me see other perspectives, for making me realise how i feel and why i feel like that...

reading

I have been reading, reading all night, Shirin Ebadi's IRAN AWAKENING. What a life, how determined and how strong can a woman be! No wonder that she won the Nobel Peace Prize.

I am now reading Jean sassoon's " Daughter of Iraq" 33 pages over, and it is just so vivid in its description of Mayada's imprisonment. It is hair raising. Jhilmil learns by imitation, she comes to the bed, next to my pillow she puts her winnie pooh pillow and then she reads her haathi nee tory from her big hardbound fav book which has a really funny story of a 'tiny' baby elephant who worries why he is so tiny in his family.... and jhilmil sleeps while i read on...

how precious she is to me.

imagining separation from her in a few months time is so saddening, with such a heavy heart i count days.

simple- life is so much simple, so much peaceful if you live with books.
keep it simple, i say, read more more more...
jhilmil loves books, al humdul illah which means thanks to almighty God- as it means in Arabic...

Not Without My Daughter- a must read book- especially for mothers in unhappy marriages.

It's only books, and books are all i want to keep my smile intact...:-)

why is truth bitter?

Truth is always bitter.
Why?

Tell Me Why?

life's going to be fun with Julia coming down in a few weeks, and i am so keen to use this time to create good memories, who knows, when we meet next? she is so so so dear to me.

effort

why do i feel that i put in more effort in keeping a friendship, developing a relationship, sustaining a relationship?
why do i do that?
when will i meet a person who will put equal effort, time and interest in me as i put in her/him?
mutuality and from mutual feelings, should spring equal effort.

two-sided.

everything in this world can find a balance when it is two sided. i will not initiate anything for building, sustaining, developing relationships. i will just wait and see who are stepping forward and keeping up with the efforts required in a relationship.

maybe

Maybe i am good- i mean really good at comforting others. i seem to like to comfort others, read and write about inspiring things- i like to make people calm down; though i can do that only among the circle of my friends, i do a good job of it- maybe i should seriously take up counselling as a career, after all i am in the field of education...

Peace of mind

Why don't we realise that to be relaxed and to be at peace is the only way to work better?
Oh i could do with an office of my own, one of the reasons I want to change my job!

Ideas

Dreams beckon me

On the shores of tomorrows,
where the impediments challenge hope,
dreams beckon me.

I am not the one to rest,
to stop, to stagnate
I dream on,

For dreams beckon me.

Challenges

Why do I look for change? Is change necessary?
What is the root of dissatisfaction with the present situation in life? A nice home, a stable job, and the joy of a daughter?
Is this the right time to go for a Phd?

Am I over-ambitious? Or am I a rolling stone that gathers no moss?

How will my daughter see me in 25-30 years from now?

How do other single/divorced mothers around the world cope?