bad weeks

I don't realise how much some people care about me, and how much me makes a difference to them.
I have taken it for granted that i am a lonely, uncherished, unappreciated, regular, middle-class hardworking person; i have always thought and still think andbelieve that how can anyone have anything to like or cherish about me, i mean i am so ordinary looking, somewhat careless about how i look, never even consider myself other than a person, for example, some of my freinds and lady colleagues make it a point to behave differently, behave as 'women' , doesn't all this stuff suit only 'other women' not me, i cannot imagine using pretext & pretence to be having power over someone, and having someone love and cherish you seems so impossible to me. Doesn't all that fairy tale love come only to the tall, slim, young, beauties with blue eyes and blonde hair?

Am I so hopelessly unimaginative and so hopelessly been looking for and never found someone to care for, that i have almost become blind to the obvious?
i remember a thought i read somewhere some time, if it hurts to hurt someone, u do care about them.

something is so wrong with me, in essence, am i a woman? i am just so 'de-woman' sometime, so much neutralised of being a woman, and so neutral, always seeing men as persons, never as men, that i think that precisely for that reason, i never got even the average, 'normal' kind of love and attention and nothing but emptiness in my heart, mind and soul from being married to mehul.

That's why maybe, I never held power over mehul. But are we suppose to hold a deliberate power over someone by pretending to be someone/something else? I have been so raised like an individual, harldy as a daughter, that is perhaps the reason, what else?

I wish Jan was here, or Karen was here, i needed themright now. i realise i miss them so much for making me see things, for making me see other perspectives, for making me realise how i feel and why i feel like that...